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September 2009



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Sep. 28th, 2009


i never get on this thing, ive had soo much going on in the last few months its been crazyyy. life is finally starting to settle down i work and go to school when i actually manage to get up for school anyways. i really gotta motivate myself to go school it needs to be my main priority right now. i barely ever chill with my bestfriend anymore i guess shit changes she's got her boy so thats all that really seems to matter right now..as for me and boys im interested in someone butt i feel like everytime i even tell someone about me liking a guy i jinx it so for now hes unknown(: lol. i really do like spending time with him though. but we'lll seee. other than that lifes okay, im finally 18 so im able to do alot more i love the freedom and being able to be out whenever i want without being worried about stuff. i know pretty lame but it is nice. i feel like i have so much to write about but im just really doing a short update i was reading some of my old entries and was like damn i used to be miserable lol. im finally over that part of my life thank god. but im going to try and write more often, shit just gets hectic sometimes especially with all thats happend in the last few months. yesterday was two months since miranda passed i miss her more than i could ever explain. but i know shes watching over us<3 we'll looks like im off to get ready for work!

Jul. 27th, 2009

at a loss for words.

my friend died today.

i havent updated in months but i will never forget this day.

miranda joy zant i love you and we didnt get to create very many memories but i will never forget the few we have together. i love you so much and i hope that your in a better place..

its gonna take me awhile to get over this..gone too young it could have been anyone..why you?! life isnt fair..

you will ALWAYS remain in my heart baby girl.


Apr. 22nd, 2009

same shit different day.

so here i am trying to get my life together finally and im fucking miserable. nothing is going right i work all the time then sleep when i dont work and hardly ever hangout with anybody.. life is getting lonelier each and every day.. im so sick of complaining but what else is there to do really, im sick of being told i need to get a life tell me something i dont know? all of my friends only seem to wanna hangout when im like yeah lets partyyy! but never any other time. im trying to better my life but im getting nowhere. on top of that im losing touch with two of my good friends over nothing i seriously cant think of what ive done to either of them..im sick of feeling like a bad friend, when i cant even tell you how many times people have screwed me over.
im sick of crying ive cried almost everyday in the last 2 weeks im an emotional wreck, its like ive been waiting so long for things to get better but there not. im SO sick of being told things will get better when there not and havent been for awhile now.
and boys, dont even get me started to them every single last one of them is a waste of time and i will believe that until im proven differently which i highly doubt that is happening anytime soon :( i wanna mean something to somebody and not just be some piece of ass because thats not who i am. boys truely disgust me here lately, really like when the hell do they grow up? im a good person and i know i deserve way better then the jerks i try to go after. for once i really dont have any intrest in anybody because im finally realizing how stupid they can be. as much as i wanna find somebody to pass the time away with there is absolutely no one i can picture myself with. where did all the good ones go?

im sick of wasting my time, same shit diffent day mann. wheres all the excitement? and when does this shit get better really...

Apr. 13th, 2009


as the world moves along im still stuck here.
why is that?
is it just impossible for me to ever move on? like seriously i feel fucking crazy right now.
i wanna get away more than you could possibly understand.

i miss everything, i feel like time is just wasting away.
why am i feeling so miserable?

this is pathetic.

Apr. 6th, 2009


Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

lifes difficult right now..im so busy and miserable i wanna be happy again.

i'll talk more when i can..

Mar. 24th, 2009


so i havent been on in awhile and theres a good reason for that! ive been SUPERRR busy :/ finally got my first job thank god ive only worked 2 days and i already hate work hah but no im happy to finally be making money! its actually funny who got me the job lets just say its going to be veryy interesting. but anyways ive been packed with school and stuff too im doing pretty horrible :( but spring break starts this friday!!
this past weekend was pretty fun i got to house sit my old house all weekend and hungout with one of my old friends and his friends one which i thought was superrr cute but i'll probley never see him again haha story of my life but oh well. im sick of being single but theres really no use in complaining anymore because it seems to get me nowhere

hmm nothing else is really new...but i'll be sure to write when i have more time<3

Mar. 3rd, 2009

the good friend.

i like you, but i shouldnt like you..so i should stop.
but what if i cant? you cant help who you like right...i havent been able to stop thinking about it all weekend..

but im done making attempts for any guys, if a guy is interested from now on he'll actually make an effort to to hangout with me. im so sick of being the only person to put forth any effort in anything, i feel like im constantly chasing after guys and im exhasuted i cant do be like this anymore.

im starting to come off desperate which is the last thing i wanna seem like..im just so bored with life and wish i had someone to make it worthwhile. so if you out there you come find me..i feel like ive been waiting so long.

i wanna feel like i actually mean something to somebody, with guys im always that good friend the one who you'll hook up with but never the one you'll date why is that? am i that bad?

i just know that i felt alot with you..and i wish i knew if you felt it too..thats all.

Feb. 27th, 2009

phone call.

its not so much that i miss you anymore, its just i want to be on your level so bad..your moved on, and happy. you love her...i know its not the same kind of love but its gotta be pretty damn close if your so happy. when i start to cry before we get off the phone now its not really over you anymore..im just lonely i miss the satisfaction of calling someone my own..and im so jealous that you or anybody can say they have that. time is seriously flying by and the days seem to only get lonlier.

ive finally came to the conclusion that i cant play these games with guys anymore that really dont want anything to do with me. its all a waste of time and energy and gets my emotions crazier than they already are.

i want what you have so badly, honestly im glad you found it..but i just wish i could atleast find something close..

Feb. 23rd, 2009


so a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders late last night, thank god. but now i feel shitty but i guess i'll feel that way for the next seven days. oh well im just glad im okay, didnt go to school today and not sure if im going tomorrow if im still feeling like this i probley wont. i really cant afford to miss anymore days though..
still havent been talking to my bestfriend, just dont even feel like dealing with it..if she wants me in her life she'll make some sort of attempt. i dont even think she realizes anything is wrong shes too caught up in her own little world right now to realize anyones feelings but her own. oh well, you can only do so much to help. so my saturday night was really fun, hungout with alot of great people and drank and smoked hookah alll night my sisters friends are really cool and laid back to party with, then i had my friends Alexa Aj Nate and Thomas. Played lotsss of beer pong and lets just say i got a really good nights sleep(: lol. i passed outtt. then had a lazy day allll day on sunday smoked more hookah and then finally got home only to leave again and go to my friend kaitlyns.
I talked to my dad today he wants me to go and see him sometime in the beginning of May which i dont know if i'll be able to do, or if i really want too. i'll still be in school and its just weird going like two years without seeing him and then hes moved on and has a fiance' and all this other stuff i have no part in. its a whole other lifestyle that i just dont even feeling like being around for a week, but then again i probley should just go ahead and get it out of the way.. i dont know im gonna think about it..
anyways i really need to start looking hard for a job, im sick of sitting on my ass all the time when i could be doing something productive and atleast making some money to put towards a car.
hmm just some thoughts for this boring monday ive had, i really need to go finish a history paper.



Feb. 21st, 2009


boy, i like you so much. its weird feeling like this..its been a very long time. i wish we could give us a shot, i believe it would truly be great :(

on the other hand my so called "bestfriend" has been lying to be quite a bit here lately im more hurt than pissed. i hate being lied to..whatever you can go live your life with the low lifes your with right now..we'll see who you come running back to when your on the verge of killing yourself with that dumb shit their involved with. what happend to telling each other everything? and pretty much living together? we used to be inseperable..now im alone. i feel like i was almost in a damn relationship because i always dropped everything just to chill with you and YOUR friends so now ive lost alot of mine. so what was i stuck doing tonight? absolutly nothing. its okay i hope you learn something out of all this.

i love you and im always here for you, just see how long those low lifes stick around.

im a fucking good bestfriend, and i know it. been there through way too much.

but im outtt.

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