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September 2009

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Feb. 18th, 2009

boy.

I wish you saw me the way i see you.
There is just something about you that i just cant put my finger on.. but i always seem to find myself siting around wondering what it would be like if we went any further with this, if i would ever mean anything more to you. I dont know why, we hardly like any of the same things your not my usual type, but you draw me so much to you. I just wish that maybe you saw me as something more. I feel like im wasting my time..but i dont mind it. Its not like im jumping into anything right now but if i wanted to with anybody it would be with you..I know it wouldnt be serious which i really like. We hardly ever see each other as it is but it would work. I just know it would..well on my part anyways... Why cant you just open up your eyes and see whats in front of you? I know why im not up to your standards probley you have such high ones which is isnt bad i cant blame you..
I just wish i was good enough.




(no subject)

Now my eyes are wide open
Now that everything's been stolen
And I'm here to get it back from you

See, I ain't wasting no more time
I gotta take back what's mine
And what else am I supposed to do?

Here I am, with my heart on the floor
And my love out the door
You should be knocking
There it goes
I got nothing to show for
Except pictures I pose for
But I keep them in a box under my bed

I told you time and again
That you'd never win
I told you time and again
But you keep doing those same old things
When I thought that you would change
I told you time and again

Here I am, with my heart on the floor
And my love out the door
You should be knocking
There it goes
I got nothing to show for
Except pictures I pose for
But I keep them in a box under my bed

Here I am with my heart on the floor
And my love out the door
There it goes I got nothing to show for
Except pictures I pose for

Here I am, with my heart on the floor
And my love out the door
You should be knocking
There it goes
I got nothing to show for
Except pictures I pose for
But I keep them in a box under my bed



Feb. 16th, 2009

home alone.

So ive sat in the same position pretty much all day, wasted my whole day off from school but oh well..now im just sitting here listening to The Fray realizing how much i love this band. Their lyrics speak to me so much its incredible. Which got me to thinking alot, the guy i like hasnt talked to me in days which sucks but then again im pretty sure i screwed that up somehow..then theres this other one who popped out of nowhere who is super cute but things wont go anywhere because of certain circumstances..but anyways none of that really matters to me right now.
The main thing ive realized over the whole weekend is not talking to you makes it so much easier to move on, at times i know it will suck but you dont need me for anything so why should i need you. I have to let go of you or i'll never be happy or ever satisfied with another person again. Im done with the dissappoints you give me, im done feeling like i need you to survive, im just plain out done which is really hard to believe seeing as we've been apart for good since summer.
I need to stop looking for a guy and let him come to me but im just so damn impatient.
Maybe with letting you go i'll be able to open up and be myself again i cant tell you whens the last time ive actually felt like myself with a guy, its usually all an act. But im so tired of not feeling like myself, i need to find myself and take a huge look at what im doing and get my priorities straight big time. So tonight im gonna continue to sit back listen to some great music and think about what it is exactly im doing because everything to me right now its just so old. I need something new i just havent figured out what that is yet.

Theres gotta be some changes soon<3
 

Feb. 15th, 2009

Amazing Friends<3

So valentines day didnt turn out as bad as i thought, had some really great friends to help me get through the day. I was alone for the most part of the day but then my friend Justin came and got me and my friend Jordan and him made me a delicious Valentines dinner.  It was so nice to get out out of the house and have some good company like i planned(: After that i got to spend some time with my bestfriend and had a little party in her bedroom lol with our friends Nate, Thomas, Matt and Ishmail.. smoked hookah drank sparks and laughed our asses off. So it all turned out for the better, i wanted to see this one person but last night made me realize its okay to be on my own..as much as i hate it im just glad i have amazing friends to help me get by. I feel so refreshed and happy some things could be better but no complaints here..

Feb. 14th, 2009

learning to breathe.

Happy Valentines Day.
hopefully i'll have the company of some good people tonight.
<3

Feb. 13th, 2009

foolish games.

I feel like a coward. Why do i always push every guy away? I have a sweet guy that really likes me right now and could possibly be my valentine but i dont feel it? The worst part is i told him over texting  wtf is wrong with me? He probley hates my guts right about now...i hate this, i hate that tomorrows valentines day and im spending it alone i just would like the company of a good guy friend but i barely even have those anymore. This could possibly be why. I wanna just move away and start fresh and forget that guy i ever completely fell for. I blame you for making me like this.


FUCK VALENTINES DAY.

Feb. 12th, 2009

Sick.

Sick and tired of never meaning anything to guys, ive never felt this lonely in my life. I have great people there for me but i just feel like im never satisfied, i honestly wish i had a guy i actually wanted..one who wants me too. All inconvient guys like me and its getting old; either you dont date, your moving away, your in jail, your too young, or just plain out want me for sex. Maybe im just too picky? I dont believe that for a second because i usually give everybody a chance but its just never enough and i wont SETTLE. I feel as if i'll never move on, when thats all i wanna do right now. You moved on so why cant i just move on? Maybe i cared too much...i ALWAYS care too much its my weakness. I wish i could just stop caring really life would be alot easier. I miss being in love and having somebody there but being in love is the last thing i need right now...anybody that comes my way and tries to be the least bit serious with me i push them so far away.
All i ever used to know was how to be serious with somebody now i have NO idea whats its like. I feel like ive lost all feeling, i just wish i could find a guy to make me feel again. Ive officially been single since april and most days im okay with it others i wish i had a boyfriend..but i like all the ones i cant have, thats usually how it goes for me. Theres this one boy i really feel like i have a connection with but i know he would never try to persue me. I mean why not? we've already skipped the whole "comfortable with each other part" right? But i get nervous everytime im around him i feel like i could maybe say the wrong things because hes just so damn smart and thats honestly why i like him. I could have the best, most RANDOMEST conversations with him. He gives me this weird feeling that i havent had in a really long time but he'll probley never see me as anything more. Oh well, its how it works..i know theres somebody out there for me i just havent found him yet.
Valentines day is coming up wooo! Not really im more like "BA-HUMBUG" or whatever it is, its usually my favorite holiday but this year i just cant wait for it to be done and over with. It should be a day consisting of myself, some ice cream, and a good love movie..not much of a funfest but it will have to do. Hopefully i'll find a good friend to share it with but who knows. Im just glad its not on a school day, i would definitely stay home. I feel like most of my friends are in love and have a special someone to share it with i went and helped my bestfriend shop today for her boyfriend and it just made me miss alot. I guess thats why im rambling on and on about boys and love and all that stuff.

Hmm..
Another thing that ive been thinking about alll day is a phone a call i got last night, basically ive changed and im not the person you used to know...and you are completely right. My life is so different from what it used to be. B ut you have no idea just how different it is, i dont see how you can judge me from the things i do when you've done them so much worse. I need to get my life together and your right but im young and right now im gonna make my mistakes and learn from them better now then when im older. You just grew up too fast, you always had an older mentality which is good but it can also get annoying when you push it peoples faces all the time. Im seventeen going on eighteen and i do believe im pretty damn mature for my age, whether you see it or not.

 

Feb. 11th, 2009

ugh.

so basically i just wrote a really long entry but it alll got deleted bc i pressed some stupid button...im going to try and write it later.
<3

Hello(:

So this is my first live journal, not exactly sure how it works yet but getting the hang of it. I needed something to express to and this is about all i got right about now..i'll probley write something later but for now im just gonna figure it out a little more<3

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